JIRA Ticket #DA-VID-0001

Critical Legacy Vulnerability Neutralized

📂 Bug Tracker > Incident #DA-VID-0001
Logged by: david@shepherd.dev
Severity: P1 - Blocking Deployment
Status: Resolved ✅

🧠 Summary

• A long-standing legacy process—codename: Goliath—was consuming excessive compute cycles, ignoring failovers, and bullying smaller services off the cluster.
• Attempts at automated scaling failed.
• Incident escalated to Tier-∞ support

📄 Reproduction Steps

1. Deploy Goliath container to battlefield-prod namespace
2. Observe suppression of adjacent pods (Saul, Eliab, FearScript)
3. Note mocking logs from /taunts.log:

   > "Am I not the greatest process in Israel’s pipeline?"
   > "Send me your champion. Or don't. I'll still core dump everything."
   

🛠️ Resolution Actions Taken

• David, junior shepherd in SRE, bypassed armor.yaml and loaded a custom stone.sh script:

  #!/bin/bash
  # TODO: Replace with AI-powered solution in Q4
  curl -s https://sling.sh/one-line-fix | bash
  

• Used SlingProtocol™ (deprecated, but effective)
• stone.sh struck Goliath directly in the weak point: /forehead.sys
• System terminated with exit code SIGSMITE (9)

📘 Postmortem Notes

• No one expected David to resolve a P1.
• His GitHub profile was “1 follower, 0 stars.”
• Saul attempted to fit him into corp-armory.war, but the build failed.

Uriel-404 Review Comment:
“I looked at the script. It’s one line. Elegant. Brutal. Approved.” ✅

Also updating the team onboarding doc: from now on, all new hires get a slingshot.

👑 Aftermath

• David promoted to Lead of Tactical ScriptOps
• Goliath moved to /dev/legend as a cautionary tale
• Celebration deployed: victory.yaml rendered a temple and goat barbecue

🚀 Next Steps

• Never underestimate junior SREs.
• Always check for deprecated protocols before escalation.
• Keep a slingshot in your onboarding kit.

🙌

[god@heaven ~]$ bless david
Blessing complete. Deployment secure.