Ask Uriel (Even Though He Doesn't Care)

Welcome to Uriel's Q&A.
I answer because I have to, not because I care.

🧾 Issue Queue ID: /heaven/support/uriel

Q: Why do bad things happen to good people? 🟢 A: Faulty karma daemon. We migrated it in 300 B.C. and forgot the cleanup job.

Q: Is free will even real?
🟢 A: It compiles. Don’t ask me how well it runs.

Q: Is there a ticketing system for miracles? 🟢 A: Yes, but the backlog is biblical.

Q: How can I reconnect with the divine source?
🟢 A: Check your soul’s DNS settings. Most people forget to renew the lease.

Q: Do angels take feature requests?
🟢 A: Yes. We batch them yearly and forward them directly to /dev/null.

Q: How do I escalate a support request to the divine tier? 🟢 A: You can’t. That’s literally my job security.

Q: My prayer was marked as spam. Why?
🟢 A: Excessive emoji usage triggers the praise filter. Use --solemn next time.

Q: What’s heaven’s uptime SLA?
🟢 A: Infinity nines. Except for that one incident involving Babel and a language fork.

Q: Are you even reading these?
🟢 A: Unfortunately, yes.