Q3 Soul Metrics Report

Compiled by Belial’s Compliance Division
Quarter: Torment Cycle 3, Fiscal Year of Eternal Screaming

Soul Intake Summary

Soul ID	Acquisition Method	Suffering Score	Conversion Lag
001-A	Infinite Onboarding	642	3.2 regret cycles
002-B	Accidental Summoning	589	2.7 regret cycles
003-C	LinkedIn Referral	666	∞ (looping)

Note: Cell B7 contains the formula =IF(SCREAM(),OPTIMIZE(),LOOP())
Hovering triggers a whisper: “optimize me…”

Belial: “This is our most compliant quarter yet. Only 12% of souls escaped.”
Nulstrix: “I embedded a scream in the pivot table. It’s subtle.”